He's Mine
by Editor-Bug
Summary: Kyle gets irritated when Stan starts arguing with Cartman more often. Could it be that he's actually...jealous? Of STAN? Kyman! Read & review if you like!
1. Chapter 1

(A/N: Here we go again...)

* * *

As usual, Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny were walking home from the bus stop together after school. Kenny was rambling on about titties and vaginas, nothing new.

"Dude, we don't care," Stan finally said.

Cartman pointed at a figure on the other side of the road."Oh my God, you guys, look. It's Wendy Testaburger. HEY, BITCHFACE MCGEE!"

Wendy turned to glare at him.

"HA-ha, you looked!" he laughed at her.

She just flipped him off and kept walking.

"I-I'll see you tomorrow, Wendy!" Stan called after her. When she didn't reply, he sighed heavily."Dammit, Cartman, why do you have to be such a dick to my girlfriend all the time?"

"Stan, I mean you absolutely no offense, but that girl is a hippie gay rights activist with a capital BITCH."

Kyle and Stan looked at each other and rolled their eyes in unison. Kyle didn't really give a crap about Wendy, but disagreeing with Cartman was sort of his thing.

"Besides," the fat boy continued."she's got black hair."

Kyle raised an eyebrow."Yeah, so?"

"SO, dumbass, everybody knows that people with black hair are part black."

"That...makes so little sense," Stan remarked.

Cartman, who was leading the group, stopped and turned around."It makes perfect sense! I mean, haven't you noticed that ALL black people have black hair? So, if you have black hair, you must have descended from black people, and that makes you...y'know. It's first grade, you guys."

Kyle squinted."Does logic even exist in your brain?"

"Yeah, that's completely stupid!" Stan cut in, removing his hat."I have black hair too, fatboy. I got it from my dad; I don't have black ancestors. And even if I did, that wouldn't be anything wrong with that."

Cartman took this in like it was new information. Or perhaps he just hadn't noticed before. The way that boy thought was a mystery to young and old.

"OH, GREAT!" He began gesturing to each of his friends."So I have a dumb blond, (Kenny muffled a "Hey!") a ginger jew rat (Kyle narrowed his eyes just a millimeter more.) and a...pussy black ASSHOLE in my inner circle of friends?! Why me, God?!"

"Now I'm a pussy black asshole?!" Stan seemed to take great offense to this, which was surprising considering he didn't like arguments."What the hell, Cartman!"

Cartman shrugged."I'm just stating the facts, man."

Stan glanced back at Kyle before going on."Yeah, the facts you pulled out of your ass."

"Are you doubting my integrituh?"

"Yes!" Stan shouted back."You are so full of crap!"

"No, YOU'RE full of crap!"

"No, YOU!"

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

"YOU, pussy!"

Without warning, Stan punched Cartman right in the kisser. He didn't really mean to do it...it just sort of happened.

"OWW!" Cartman reeled back and held his bleeding mouth."FUCK, Stan!"

"Oh my God! I-I'm sorry, are you okay?" Stan asked upon instinct. "Wait. Actually, no, I'm NOT sorry! Screw you, Cartman!"

With that, Stan turned and left. A shocked Kyle glanced back and forth between his retreating best friend and Cartman, who was still swearing as Kenny tried to console him. He finally decided to follow Stan.

"Dude!" he said when he caught up."What...was that?"

"I don't know!" Stan admitted."Something in me just...snapped! I think Cartman's ignorance may have pushed me to my limit!"

"So you punched him in the mouth?"

"Do you have a problem with that?"

Kyle paused. He didn't have a problem with that. After all, Cartman had that punch coming, didn't he?

"I don't have a problem with it," said Kyle. "It's just really unlike you." Yeah, that was it.

"Oh, well, from now on, I'm not putting up with any more of fatboy's bullcrap!"

"Great...also, dude."

"What?"

"You know your house is the other way, right?"

"Oh, yeah."

After that, Kyle went home, but by bedtime, something was still bugging him.

 _Geez!_ he thought angrily as he lay in bed. _There was nothing wrong with what Stan did! Cartman deserved it after all the stupid stuff he said!_

It just felt off to Kyle that _he_ wasn't the one who punched him.

 _It doesn't matter!_

 _...or did it?_

* * *

(A/N: Yyyeah, so, uh, don't get your hopes up about me updating this that often. I was conflicted about the decision to make this a multi-chaptered story anyway, and like I said, I've got that blog to run...so, see ya next time, whenever that is)


	2. Chapter 2

(A/N: Wowie-wow wow, an update!)

* * *

Kyle couldn't believe he was still thinking about what had happened between Stan and Cartman by the next morning. And he still didn't get why it mattered so much to him, but it did.

When he got to the bus stop, he greeted Stan, who still looked a little miffed himself.

"So, are you, like...gonna be mad at Cartman all the time now?" Kyle couldn't help but ask.

"Yup," Stan replied simply.

"Uh...why?"

"KYLE, WHY wouldn't I be mad? Cartman insulted my girlfriend, said stupid, untrue things about my race, called me a pussy, and didn't even apologize! And until he DOES say he's sorry, and means it, YES, I'm still mad!"

"...okay, no need to shout..."

"Sorry, dude. But why do you ask?"

"It's just...! I thought things were gonna go back to how they were!"

"Dude, I really don't see why you would have a problem with this."

"I TOLD YOU I DON'T HAVE A DAMN PROBLEM!" Kyle blurted out before covering his mouth.

Stan stared back at him in alarm. "..."

Luckily, Cartman and Kenny showed up to break the tension.

"Hi, guys," Kenny waved at the two.

"Yeah, hi, assholes," Cartman said bitterly. Though what he said was hard to make out through his heavily bandaged lip.

"Nice band-aids you got there," Kyle remarked.

"No thanks to THIS buttpipe!" Cartman pointed in Stan's face.

Stan swatted his hand away. "You got was coming to you, Cartman. You shouldn't have said those stupid things!"

"Everything I said yesterday was TRUE, Stan! You're just too much of a pussy black asshole to accept it!"

"Quit calling me that! And you know everything you said was bullshit!"

As this argument went on, Kyle and Kenny exchanged awkward looks. Kyle tried several times to cut in, Stan and Cartman only grew more loud and furious.

And so did it continue for the rest of the day. Something minor would happen, either Stan or Cartman would bring up the previous argument, and they would go at it for about three minutes until they both said "SCREW YOU!" and stormed off. It was like the two of them were permanently agitated, and was quite grating.

And since Stan was being a pissbaby about the whole ordeal, Kyle tried getting through to Cartman. Kyle headed to Cartman's house after school that day, and unsurprisingly, he was far more frustrating.

"They ALL descended from blacks! Look it up, it's pretty much a scientific fact!"

Kyle raised a hand, not to slap Cartman, but to signal him to shut the hell up. "I literally couldn't care less about that, fatass. I just want you to quit arguing with Stan already, it's annoying as fuck."

"Well! It's sweet of you to want to act like a mediator, Kyle," Cartman said sarcastically. "But I'm not getting over it that easily. Stan PUNCHED me in THE MOUTH! He's lucky I haven't made him eat his parents by now!"

"Dude, please!" Kyle said, trying a more pleading tone. "I just want things to go back to how they were!"

"Oh, you mean back when YOU'D punch me in the mouth instead of Stan?"

"...if you wanna put it that way, yes, I do!"

"So you're jealous of Stan?"

"Wha- -NO!" Kyle snapped. "Auhhh, that's stupid! SCREW YOU!"

Kyle could feel Cartman staring at him as he ran out of his room. When Kyle got out of Cartman's house, he slowed himself down.

 _Jealous?! That's ridiculous! I just don't want TWO asshole friends instead of one! And I certainly don't want them arguing all the time...! Ugh...Cartman's so stupid..._

Kyle continued to think on this as he made his way across the railroad tracks to Kenny's house. Hopefully, he wouldn't be an asshole too.

* * *

(A/N: Not that much, sorry! But I promise the next update won't take as long. I actually have the story planned out in my head now. Woooo)


	3. Chapter 3

Kyle got to Kenny's house and knocked on the door. Almost immediately, Kenny answered it.

"Hey, dude. I need to talk to you," Kyle explained.

"Okay. Let's go to my room," With a slight wave of his hand, Kenny led Kyle to his room.

"Alright..." Kyle began nervously once they reached their destination. "I know you might not really care, but I need your help to get Stan and Cartman to quit being pissbabies."

"Not really care? Are you kidding me?! Those two are driving me nuts!" exclaimed Kenny. "They're even worse than when it was YOU and Cartman arguing! If this keeps up, I think I'm gonna kill myself!"

"Really? That's great! I-I mean, not the suicide part, the fact that you feel the same way I do. That was the great part. So what do you think we can do about it?"

"Yeahhh," Kenny rubbed the back off his hood."Uh, I'm afraid I'm not helping you, dude."

"Dude, why not?"

"Nooo way am I getting any more involved in this mess," Kenny said stubbornly. "I'm the only sane one left in this squad, and I'm not fucking that up by getting caught up in some stupid argument."

"That's YOUR objective, Kenny! Mine is getting those two to be friends again! Sounds a BIT more imperative to me!"

Kenny turned around. "Dude, whatever."

"FINE! I'll do it without you!" snapped Kyle. When he was just outside of Kenny's room, he heard the blond boy say something. He stuck his head back in the room, thinking that perhaps Kenny had changed his mind. "What'd you say?"

"I said you're just jealous that Cartman's riding Stan now instead of you," Kenny said, nonchalantly looking up from a magazine.

"Screw you, Kenny."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Kyle paced around and around in his bedroom.

 _How can I get those two to stop fighting all on my own? Will they ever just let this go? And why the hell do Cartman AND Kenny both think I'm "jealous"? Why would I be jealous? I have nothing to be jealous OF!_

 _..._

 _Unless you count Stan hogging Cartman's attention._

Kyle nearly jumped, in disbelief that that thought just crossed his mind.

Cartman's attention wasn't exactly something to "hog"; more like something to "try and get rid of as soon as possible".

But all of this just felt off to Kyle. To exaggerate, it was as though the balance of the universe had been skewed!

Their entire group dynamic was in the toilet, and it was up to Kyle Broflovski to come up with a plan to set it right! And he had to do it fast, before even CRAIG'S gang looked more coordinated than them! Then NO ONE would find them cool!

Kyle thought back to how flatly Cartman had asked him if he was jealous of Stan. Was he being serious when he asked that, or was he just trying to get under Kyle's skin? Did Cartman actually realize why Kyle was upset? ...yeah, right! Like Cartman cared how Kyle felt! If he did, he would've apologized to Stan already and stopped this nonsense!

Then Kyle recalled what Stan had snapped at him. He said that if Cartman apologized and MEANT it, then he would forgive him.

That's how he could resolve all this! By getting Cartman to sincerely apologize for his stupidity!

...

Oh, boy. This was gonna be tough.

* * *

(A/N: Not quite as long as I planned, buuuut...OKAY

You guys would probably be willing to wait a bit longer if it meant longer chapters, huh? HE-HUH

I still need time to plan some stuff out! Hope this wasn't too boring! Please review, fave, follow and check out my profile for more! A bientot!)


	4. Chapter 4

Luckily, the next day was Saturday, so Kyle could just go to speak to Cartman ALONE (without Stan around). That didn't make his job any easier, though. He, of all people, had to convince Cartman that he was wrong and then get him to apologize to someone he was about ready to murder. He had no idea what he was doing, but that afternoon, he went to Cartman's house.

Naturally, he tried the educational approach first.

"So, you see Cartman, the gene for black hair is, of course, dominant in African-Americans, but i- -CARTMAN!"

"Wh-What?!" Cartman woke with a start. "Oh, FUCK you, I was just dreaming about killing Stan!"

"Pay attention to my Punnett squares!" Kyle snapped, gesturing toward a whiteboard he had set up.

"Why are you telling me all this bullshit I don't care about anyway?"

"Because! I...think you should know the facts, that's all," Kyle didn't want to let Cartman in on his "plan".

"Did that pussy black asshole tell you to come here?" accused Cartman.

"No! I'm the one who wants to make peace here! The ONLY one, unfortunately..."

"Like Stan would be willing to 'make peace' with me! I don't get why I have to keep reminding you, but he PUNCHED ME! That is assault!"

"He wouldn't have punched you if you weren't being such a jackass!"

"YOU'RE the jackass here, Kahl! With your stupid jackass smile!"

"I-I'm not smiling!"

"You were! Just now!"

Kyle turned around and forced his mouth to frown. Then he faced Cartman again, pointing at it. "See? Now back to the lecture!"

"UUUUGHHH, shut uuup," groaned Cartman. He flopped back onto his bed.

"Come on, dude, I'm trying to help you understan- -"

"HELP me?" Cartman sat up again. "Like this is helping me! You just think you know everything, don't you, Jew?!"

"No, I- -"

"Get out of my room, you're annoying!"

So, he kicked Kyle out of the bedroom, tossed him his whiteboard, and locked the door shut.

Kyle let out a huff and banged on it. "Just so you know, I'm not giving up on you, Cartman! One way or another, you're gonna see the error of your ways!"

"Whatever!" Cartman shouted back.

Kyle began making his way downstairs to clear his head.

"Hey, if my mom hasn't left yet, tell her to buy more Snacky Cakes at the store!" Cartman called through the closed door.

"...sure..." Kyle had nothing better to do. Luckily, Cartman's mom was still in the kitchen, stuffing coupons in her purse.

"Oh, hello, little friend of Eric's!" she greeted Kyle.

"Uh, hi, Ms. Cartman. Cartman said to tell you to buy more Snacky Cakes."

"That's what I was forgetting!" Ms. Cartman reached across the kitchen and grabbed a pair of scissors."Would you be a dear and cut a Snacky Cakes coupon out of that catalog there if you find it?"

Kyle wordlessly sat down at the table and began skimming through the coupon booklet. The silence got awkward after a bit, so Kyle decided to "strike up a conversation".

"So...Cartman isn't a very good listener, is he?"

"Oh, nooo. I've never really said anything that got through to him."

Kyle sighed. "How do you deal with that?"

Ms. Cartman sat down at the table across from Kyle. "You'd like to know how to get Eric to listen? Offer him some kind of reward."

"Reward?"

"Yes. You know, Eric; he always wants to earn something for what he's done."

"Pssh. You mean he's selfish as all hell," scoffed Kyle. He saw Ms. Cartman's face fall and changed his tune. "S-Sorry."

"It's alright. I know you just want to help my son. And I know this sounds a bit strange...but thank you for being tough on Eric. He needs that."

Kyle stared at Liane's solemn face, then turned back down to his scissors. "Ah. I found the coupon."

"Thank you," Ms. Cartman took it from the boy. "Goodbye, dear."

Kyle was left sitting alone at that kitchen table. He sorta felt bad for Cartman's mom. But the good thing was, now he was even angrier at Cartman. And anger was just what he needed to get him back.

* * *

(A/N: Well, that wasn't much longer than the last chapter...and it wasn't very funny...next time, guys, next time

Please review, fave, follow, point out any mistakes, check out my profile, and I shall see you in the next chapter! ..which will hopefully be soon, but I'm kinda having trouble writing lately, sooo)


	5. Chapter 5

(A/N: Heads up, I might take a break from this story after this chapter. Sorry, but I wanna work on/finish a couple of my one-shots already; some of 'em have been in the works for over a year! So, yeah)

* * *

Kyle dashed back upstairs and kicked Cartman's bedroom door open.

"Hey, I thought I locked th- -"

"Listen up, Cartman!" demanded Kyle. "I've got an idea!"

"Pshh. What makes you think I have time to listen to YOU? I'm too busy plotting to poison Stan's dog."

"Because I'll do you one better! Stan'll be the one taking the punch this time! 'cause I'm gonna help you get revenge on him!"

"You are?"

"Yes, it's part of my convoluted plan to restore the balance of the universe!"

"Your what?"

"My nothing. Anyway, I'm gonna tell you my idea, but you have to PROMISE you won't interrupt."

"...FINE, lemme hear it," Cartman said reluctantly.

"Okay, so I tell Stan that you wanna make up with him. You meet him at Stark's Pond, and while you're giving him your apology, I'll be hiding somewhere, and then I'll pop out, and we'll beat him up! You'd like that, wouldn't you? What do you think?"

"...that's so fucking stupid, it just might work. But for your first evil plan, it's pretty meh."

"Gee, thanks."

"I don't get one thing, though. Why would you want to help me get back at Stan? Aren't you, like, gay for him or something?"

"Dude, I don't care WHAT has to be done, I'm with Kenny on this one; all this arguing has gotta stop, and Stan's too stubborn to see that."

"...okay, but you realize you didn't DENY being gay for him."

"Ugh, shut up. Now, you clearly don't have much experience apologizing to people, so before you do so to Stan, practice on me."

"UH, we don't need to practice, Kahl!"

"What? You don't want me to find out that you can't act?" accused Kyle.

"I- -"

"You really can't say a couple little apology words to me, or SOMETHING? You're a lost cause!"

"Ky- -"

"You just can't do ANYTHING right, can you, fatass?"

"Quit being a dick for one second and let me do it, then, KAHL!"

"Alright, then, go on! Prove me wrong! ACT, FAT BOY, ACT!" Kyle knew what Cartman was like. He liked to feel challenged and decimate his challenger.

Cartman whirled around for dramatic effect. "Oh, KAHL! Please, forgive me for all I have I done unto you! I'm sorry, your highness!"

"Oh, please, that was awful!" scolded Kyle. "If you do that, Stan'll know you're faking it for sure! This apology needs to be REAL, so, uh, he'll really be caught off-guard when I jump out."

"Well, gimme some time to practice, then, asshole!" Cartman snapped. He turned back around and started rehearsing to himself.

A somewhat nostalgic feeling came over Kyle. For the past couple of days, Kyle had hardly even talked to Cartman. Arguing with him felt like an old pastime or something. Maybe that was why he had unintentionally been smiling earlier...

At least to himself, he admitted it...he had missed Cartman.

For the next half hour or so, Cartman practiced and practiced his fake-ass apologies. Kyle was really hard on him, but Cartman showed some real improvement. Some, but not enough...

Soon, Ms. Cartman returned home with all the groceries. Kyle snuck down there and grabbed a box out of one of the paper bags, then he went back upstairs.

"Here's what I'm gonna do, Cartman," declared Kyle. "This is called positive reinforcement. The better you do at this, the more Snacky Cakes you get."

"Aw, yeah, Snacky Cakes!" Cartman rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "Time for me to be REALLY sorry! I'm breakin' out the puppy dog eyes!"

"No, Cartman, don't you see what you're doing wrong? To make an apology convincing, you need to drop all that manipulative bullshit! No hands behind your back, no wavering your voice, and NO puppy dog eyes! Be sincere, dude, come on. I know you can."

Cartman just stared back at Kyle blankly.

"...what?" asked Kyle, quite confused.

"Uh, n-nothin'," Cartman turned around and took a deep breath.

From then on, Cartman seemed to get better...and fatter. He was ready to carry out the plan.

Kyle was sorta...proud of Cartman. Deep down, Kyle always knew that Cartman could be a good person if he was just treated the right way.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The next day, Sunday, Stan was freezing his butt off at Stark's Pond waiting for Cartman. Kyle had texted him, telling him that Cartman wanted to make up. But Kyle had been acting so strange lately that he sort of had a hard time believing it...

Meanwhile, Cartman and Kyle were hiding in a bush.

"Oh, there he is," Kyle pointed out. "Okay, you go over there and apologize. Or, uh, pretend to apologize. When you get Stan in the right position, I'll pop out and start kicking his ass."

"Kewl. This better work," muttered Cartman, lumbering out of the bushes. "I wanna see Stan cry tears of pain."

"...yeah. It better," Kyle whispered to himself.

"Cartman!" Stan called out. "About time you showed up, fatass. Is what Kyle told me about true?"

Cartman suppressed the urge to strangle Stan then and there. "Yeah, Stan, it IS true. Look, I can see why you'd be pissed at me. I mean...it was wrong of me to insult your bi- -I mean, girlfriend. And it turns out that stuff about black people...wasn't 100% accurate. I looked it up. I guess I just feel sorta stupid now."

"So...?"

"So what I'm saying is...I'm sorry for that stuff I said, and I don't want us to fight anymore. Since you were clearly still mad, I decided to be the bigger person and apologize...Can we be cool again?"

"...and you'll stop calling me a pussy black asshole?"

"...yes, I will."

Stan stared Cartman in the face, looking for insincerity. "Okay, dude, we're 'cool'. I forgive you."

"You do?"

"Yeah, dude. I was kinda acting like a turd anyway..."

"Oh, good." Cartman suddenly frowned and grabbed Stan around the stomach, jamming his face into his chest. "NOW!"

"Dude, I know you're sorry!" Stan said, flustered. "You don't have to hug me!"

Cartman only tightened his grip, staring angrily at the bush Kyle was hiding in. "...NNNOW, KAHL!"

"Oh, geez, KYLE! I've been a TOTAL pissbaby to him! If you can say you're sorry, Cartman, then so can I!" Stan wedged out of Cartman's grasp and determinedly took off for Kyle's house.

"Yes! It worked!" Kyle relished his little victory before he noticed Cartman hovering over him, looking furious. "Uh-oh."

* * *

(A/N: So, yeah. Sorry the next chapter is gonna take a little longer! But there are only one or two chapters left, and at least I have the rest of the story planned out this time. Next chapter will have more Kyman!

Au revoir!)


	6. Chapter 6

"DUDE! What the FUCK was that?!" Cartman asked furiously.

Kyle stood from the bush. "Look, dude. I- -"

"We had a fucking plan! You were supposed to jump out, and we were gonna kick Stan's bitch ass!"

"Wait, liste- -"

"But INSTEAD, I was just standing there 'hugging' him like an IDIOT! Was that your plan, KAHL?! HUH?! To make me look stupid?! That's so...CARTMAN OF YOU!"

Kyle flinched slightly at Cartman's rage. The fat boy seemed genuinely hurt, which Kyle was surprised at.

After his outburst, Cartman stormed off , presumably to his house. Kyle stayed there in the bush contemplating his actions.

 _"Okay, so...what I did WAS kinda Cartman-like. But I did it for the greater good! Cartman's just being a pussy. I mean, everything's fixed now...right?"_

No...no, nothing was fixed. Cartman snapping at Kyle was nothing new, but what just happened was different. That wasn't some stupid argument; that was a friend angry at another for betraying them.

Maybe Cartman had some mutual feelings...maybe he thought that Kyle was really trying to help him accomplish what was, admittedly, a petty goal, but he thought Kyle had his back. But he didn't.

Kyle thought all this over while walking home. When he reached his destination, he found Stan sitting on his doorstep.

"Kyle!" Stan perked up as soon as he spotted him. "Listen, dude, I know you, like, hate me right now, but Cartman and I aren't fighting anymore! He was the bigger man! So, uh..."

"Yeah, Stan, I know," sighed Kyle, sitting beside him in the step. "You forgave him."

"What? How'd you know?"

"Because, Stan, it was all me."

"WHAT was all you?"

"Could you stop asking questions for a second and let me explain?"

"Sorry."

"Okay...when Cartman apologized to you earlier, he was faking it. I lied to him and told him that I was gonna help him get revenge on you for punching him, so I'm the one who gave him the whole idea, but I was really just trying to get you two to be friends again, and I was willing to trick BOTH of you to do it...because I'm a pissbaby."

"...it's okay, dude," Stan replied.

Kyle lifted his head. "What?"

"I don't care that Cartman wasn't really sorry. The truth is, I wanted things back to normal too. There's nothing wrong with that, dude. Besides, I was getting tired of all that yelling. You're WAY better at arguing with Cartman than I am."

"Thanks, I think," chuckled Kyle. "Ahhh, the universe is at peace again."

"Well, not quite...you still have to patch things up with ol' fat boy, don't you? I'd imagine he was pretty pissed after what you pulled, dude."

"Oh, yeah..." groaned Kyle. "This is gonna be hard."

Stan put a hand on his shoulder. "Be strong. Now GO!"

That shove-off from the porch was just what Kyle needed to get going to Cartman's house.

On his way there, he mulled over in his head what to tell Cartman. He even started to rehearse to himself. Then he remembered what he'd told Cartman and realized that all he had to do was speak from the heart and Cartman would be able to forgive him. And if not...well, puppy dog eyes were always an option.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Eric!"

"WHAT, Mom?"

"Your little friend Kyle is at the door!"

"Tell him to leave the premises immediately, and to take his Jewishness with him!"

"ERIC!"

"AUGH, FIIINE! Let him in and GO AWAY!"

"Okay, dear, love you!"

Trembling slightly, Kyle walked up the stairs. The door to Cartman's room was already open, so he stepped in.

"What do you want, Jew?" he was greeted with.

Kyle took a deep breath and got a little closer to Cartman, who was seated like a statue atop his bed.

"Look, dude...I already got everything sorted out with Stan, so, you're all I need right now."

Kyle paused as Cartman slightly raised his eyebrows.

 _"You're all I need right now"?! Well, that sounded gay._

He hesitantly kept going. "Cartman, I never meant to hurt you. It was really wrong of me to manipulate you and Stan like that. I just wanted you back."

 _OH MY GOD! I sound like his fucking ex-boyfriend!_

Despite these thoughts, Kyle couldn't help but keep pouring his heart out to Cartman. It was practically out of his control.

"I was willing to do whatever it took to get you two to make up; not because I was annoyed, but because I NEED you. I don't feel whole without you, Eric."

 _AHHHHHH! THAT'S IT! ABORT! ABORT!_

"So...THAT'S MY APOLOGY, FATASS!" Kyle blurted out, his mind regaining control of his speech.

Cartman just stared at Kyle, unsure of how to react. "...wowww, dude, that was pretty gay."

"..."

"But you realize this means you WERE jealous of Stan, like I said," he continued smugly. "You're even gayer than I thought!"

"Okay, you know what? I'm SICK of you guys saying that, trying to force all this gay subtext. So, YES, okay?! I was jealous."

"R-Really?" said Cartman, not expecting Kyle to admit it.

"I'm not gay, though."

"Whatever."

Kyle couldn't think of anything else to say, so he just turned to the door. As he grabbed the knob.

"Hey...Kyle?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you really...MEAN all that stuff you just said?"

"...do you accept my apology?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Then yes. But keep your mouth shut about that stuff!" snapped Kyle. He didn't even wait for Cartman to reply before leaving.

Once he was out the front door of the house. He took a deep breath and kept on walking home. It sure felt good to have that mushy stuff off his chest...

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The next day, all was right with the universe. Kyle and Cartman were back at each other's throats, and Stan and Kenny stayed out of it; they didn't mind at all. Cartman was kinda salty towards Stan for a few days, but he got over it.

Kyle was glad that Cartman never spilled the beans about his mushy apology (though he suspected he might just use it as blackmail later), and Cartman never forgot the things Kyle had admitted to him.

Because despite how much he would deny it, that was how Kyle truly felt about him deep down in his heart.

* * *

(A/N: Okayyy I'll be the first to admit that I kinda SORTA rushed this ending, but I got across everything that I wanted to get across. I just hope you guys aren't disappointed in me...I know I am

But still! I hope you review and fave! Check out my profile, maybe? I've still got a bunch of various one-shots in the works, so please stick around for those!

Au revoir, mes amis!)


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